Mills Kewl

No silver lining under my cloud

2008-01-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

I was checking out some random blogs just awhile ago and I could at once sift out the stark contrast between my "blog" and theirs. I just couldn't make myself write in that manner as to vividly describe the events of the day or so. I'd prefer to touch on issues around the globe and perhaps at times delve into a little bit of personal recollections. The thought of a new semester bores me to the core and hardly geared me up for an extremely busy year ahead! Looks like I'd have to sacrifice many of my "lonely planet six degrees" escapades....
With my dearest Boston fast asleep right beside me now, I really would like to hit the bed but I simply can't seem to sleep at the moment although I had a pretty long day today. It has been raining heavily recently and today, I was caught in the rain, practically drenched with my feet filled with mud from the overflowing canals. There have been too many issues circling my mind and Ive got too many things to do yet too little time thus I'm rather confused as to which matter to prioritize. It all seems to gather unanimously at the same time and honestly, I don't have that much capacity or even say capability to handle them taking the bull by its horns in the shortest possible time span. Biting the dust would be preferred to biting the bullet but sometimes it ain't easy kicking the bucket.
The brevity of this semester did not help in easing any of such problems. In fact, it aggravates them but I believe there'll certainly be a compromise if I could work things out. Dinner today was atypical and I'm till pondering over my loss of appetite and urges to puke. No I'm not pregnant! Although the baton cookies given to me by a really nice friend was out-of-the-world, I couldn't bring myself to eat more because I think I'm falling ill. It happens all the time and this may be due to me overworking but seriously, I can't help it. No one is going to see me through my studies, no one is going to foot my bills, no one is going to feed me, no one is going to feed my dogs... This is life after all. Independence is a virtue. I really despise people who resort to illegal means or degradation of self-respect to make a living that's why I make it a point not to walk down that path. The only thing that could really cast my troubles aside would be my proposed trips in February. My sister has been urging me to accompany her in Dubai and I badly need a retreat after months of arduousness! Well, ultimately it's dependable on my eventual schedule which would be devised in two weeks at most.
I was reading through an article earlier about the production of "Tata's Nano" - supposedly the world's cheapest car priced below four grand. Really affordable you may think but again, in a country like Singapore, there are strings attached of course. Ropes attached, I'd prefer to call it. Thank god I don't own a car although I'm aware that I could acquire one if I wanted to. And I don't plan to own one actually. Not in Singapore at least. With rising fuel prices tipping the USD100 scale, upcoming installations of more ERP gantries, heightening road taxes, hefty insurance premiums, ridiculous carpark fees, owning a car would be more of an ostentation than a necessity. I don't give a damn about trying to fit in some elite pool because that's really dumb and pointless. Besides, I've never really saw myself as part of Singapore anyway. I came to this world with nothing so I don't plan to leave with anything. Even if I wanted to, I'm left with Hobson's choice ain't I?! Bereft of material luxuries, I feel no poorer than the affluent because tangibility is undeniably not what I pursue.

You can't squeeze blood out of stone

2008-01-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

Was I really in love these months? Questions like these do at times occur to me but the feeling hasn't really heightened to the extent that it raises considerable doubts. I'm pretty much sure that love still lingers in the air around me but only when I think about it. I feel so occupied with other aspects of life which forcibly penetrates into my realm that love becomes nothing but an emotional relief.
I feel like a dead shell most of the time but whenever his concern or love strikes me, I start to realise that I'm actually alive, and that I'm glad to be alive. There are so many things that I'm looking forward to experience with him and the sheer thought of being his wife gives me the jitters and makes me panicky about the supposed responsibilities of a good spouse. I'm still a kid myself; at least a kid in heart. I need parental love which I was devoid of and I'm still in the process of seeking that kind of comfort although I am dead certain it would never ever bestow upon me. Not in this life at least. I know that with his presence, there's nothing I should be afraid of but I refuse to allow him to glimpse the vulnerable and fragile side of me. He has never left my heart although he isn't on my mind all the time. I can't afford to think of him. I need to survive before I can feel and be loved.
Things he mentioned to me recently has gotten me on hot bricks because it was an entirely fresh idea like a bolt from the blue. Assurance of our future really was what I seek and knowing that he'll not give up on me ( at least for quite some time ) or abandon me made me treasure my worth even more. I remembered telling him that there's nothing as scary as a person who has got nothing to lose; I have nothing to lose. This phrase increasingly proves insignificant to me not because that I don't have nothing to lose but because he has a lot to lose. As much as I want to reveal the idealistic side of me, I can't bring myself to do so as the risk of suggesting to him that we're not compatible is too much of a risk to take.
It was him who brought genuine happiness to my life. Happiness which was entirely selfless... It was also him who had brought genuine tears which I had shed. Tears of acknowledgement and pure gratitude... I ponder about the out-of-the-world amusement he could provide in the near future not as much as I ponder about the sheer loneliness I would face in the distant future. I'm being too selfish to myself but isn't this instinctive of human nature itself?
If love is red then I'm colourblind. If loving him is wrong then I wouldn't want to be right. It boils down to the question of whether I'm loving him or am I loving myself this way? None, I would say. If I can't even love myself, I can't love him but I refuse to love myself because the implications are too complex to comprehend.
Many have asked me previously about my callousness with this typical question, "Why isn't it that you get hurt from others? Why is it that your heart can never seem to break?" I know the reason and that is solely because my heart was never whole to begin with... I seldom receive parental love thus I constantly seeked love from many others but as much as I tried to establish one, I can't accept it, as my heart was never built to receive love in the first place. It was more of a heart beating because I'm breathing but really nothing more.
Many who could slightly understand my problem tell me that every dog has its day and that I would eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel but all I could tell them was that the only light I see is that of the train approaching me. Perplexing as it may sound, it was the very truth after all.
I'm not complaining about such issues which I've been facing all these while. In fact I am at times grateful for every little thing that I have and which occurred to me because it has certainly made me a stronger person. So strong that sometimes I question the intention of my emotions.
One of the motivation I have is derived from the drive to help children subjected to similar experiences as me. Although I'm confident that I would do a really good job after all, this aspiration appears at times too far-fetched for me to even dare to dream about it. I reckon I'm an idealist trapped in a realist. I need the outer shell to protect my inner self as much as I need my inner self to sustain my outer shell. I can't live without both.

Dawn of New Beginnings?

2008-01-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

I concede defeat. I've to finally admit that I'm drawn into the frenzy of blogging, subconsciously rather. Perhaps that might make a pretty valid reason for me to brush up my writing skills since I haven't really written something in a blue moon. Several reasons actually were involved and I reckon that after all, it isn't or wasn't so much of a trend that I've to abide by but more of a medium to dish out my thoughts on varying issues.
This would then seem like a pretty boring blog without the usual reports or itinerary of my hangouts and what I've been buying or eating so far. Sounds pretty lame but, that's what people like to read isn't it?

2007 had been indeed a roller coaster ride for me! It had undeniably widen my horizons and undoubtedly left a seemingly deep impact on me. Although it's the year which I was separated from my former boyfriend Sylvester, following incidents came on continuously unexpectedly I would put it. I shall not delve into the reasons for the breakup with my former beau as I'm rather sick and tired of doing so whenever my friends asked me what exactly happened. Whose fault was it? Or was there any external factors? Such questions are diametrically unimportant to me especially at this point of time when I'm living it up! All these don't mean a thing to me anymore as bygones are bygones.

Put aside the boys. 2007 has been quite a hectic year for me as many would know that I've been in and out of the country all the time. Stress was usually cited as the sole reason for my getaways but many of friends knew at the back of their hands that that could never be close to the main reason. In fact, even I myself wasn't oblivious to that ,unsurprisingly to be honest! Certainly, I've been flying around for good reasons... I hope... :)

Even if there were none, my independence was taken to a different level. Not to say that I haven't really been independent, I just learned to be more independent... in a different way. It struck vividly to me that fate lies pretty much in one's own hands and also reminded me the cruel fact of human selfishness. I can totally embrace that but it is rather sad at times to realise something like that is evidently true and prevalent.

Alright, here are the highlights of my 2007. What's yours?!
Shanghai Shanghai... One of the greatest as well as loneliest moments of my dramatic life! Having to cope with a new country being left alone most of the time was certainly not what I initially hoped of course but it made me feel good about myself after that, really. If I can be thrown into any part of the world to fend for myself, then I suppose that shouldn't be a bad thing right? Okay, I really had a whale of my time there! Thanks to Raymond who elicited a portion of his busy schedule to take me to one of the finest dining at the revolving Reticen at which I thoroughly enjoyed the pate de foie gras accompanied by the finest Inniskillin wine. Nevermind the sgd600 tab after that, it was once in a lifetime. Having to meet a good friend all the way there in freezing cold Shanghai was certainly not an easy arrangement.

I'm also thankful of Wilfred, Dick, and friends from NUS OCA for being such spontaneous people during my stay there. Wilfred has an amazingly hippie uncle in Shanghai! Although I only spent a night together with them, it was one of the longest dinner I had ever taken! Five hours to be exact. From seven in the evening to midnight where we dined in a private room at a Japanese restaurant drinking sake, umeshu, and beer alongside the scrumptious dishes. That meal was amazing because the food was simply great and not forgetting the hospitable company I had with me. Six people in total, we were playing the dice game and "five-ten" almost throughout the entire dinner and the forfeit was of course the Asahi. Wilfred's friend ( I forgot his name ) was puking in the washroom and he became the topic of much laughter around the table because he looked kind of geeky and was always losing, consecutively. No foul play or sabotage involved. Sheer bad luck. After that, all of us, half drunk headed for karaoke where we drank another three bottles of red wine and sang to our hearts content. The next morning was judgement day because I suffered from a slight hangover and a really bad sore throat which made me sound somewhat like a transvestite. The scary part was that I was coughing blood. Although that happens sometimes when people drink excessively, it was rather frightening to me as I was sort of stranded all alone in that city.

It was a pretty long stay in Shanghai so definitely many interesting things had happened but I can't possibly amplify each and every one of them although I very much wish to, so I'll just give a list of an abridged version:

- visited the wax museum which was superb! The haunted house was bloodcurdling though!
- bought a really chic new pda phone there, and realised consequently that I had been cheated of my money and trust!
- went to the disreputable Tian Shang Ren Jian Nightclub which didn't succeed in appalling me that much.
- lost my hotel room key while I was really high and had to put up in another room till I became more sober.
- walking down the magnificent Bund alone seeing couples cozying up to each other made me even more dejected.
- eating xiao long baos almost every day made me cry
- walking around the streets in the middle of the night abound with drunk and rowdy Chinamen was actually very dangerous but I did not realise its severity then.
- Getting to know my new China friend Li Xia Peng who looks like the Korean actor Bae Yong Jun if not better.
- Being terribly sick throughout sure didn't prevent me from having my deserved fun

Basically, these were some of the many things which occurred to me while I was in Shanghai and if I were to list every one of them down, I'd probably not be able to sleep tonight!

Shanghai was one of the many places I had traveled to in 2007 but certainly the best experience so far. I went to Bangkok thrice last year and a month plus ago I had just returned from one such trip and I've to admit I'm really getting sick of Bangkok but I feel obliged to accompany my friends abroad. Meifeng's planning one soon and as much as I've seen the whole of Thailand, I'm still sitting on the fence as to whether to join them as I've not traveled with her abroad before.

In 2008....

Out with the cliche of happiness, good health and wealth for all, I couldn't wish for more except to invest a great deal of time and effort in my studies. Something tells me that 2008 would be a far more enjoyable and fruitful one than the previous year. Not that I'll be flying off to more places, but just something which may perhaps be the emotional legacy of love.